On Wednesday I will start work again, first time in 3 months.
I will start at the "Nederlandsch Octrooi Bureau" as a senior Systems Administrator.

Established in 1888, Nederlandsch Octrooibureau is one of the larger agencies providing specialist advice in the field of intellectual property. The key members of staff are patent agents, trademark agents and lawyers, who act on behalf of clients in applying for, and obtaining, patent, trademark and design rights in The Netherlands and other countries.

They also advise on scope of protection, infringement, nullity, licenses, software protection and copyright. Clients include many Dutch, foreign and multinational organisations engaged in a wide variety of commercial activities and specialist fields. Nederlandsch Octrooibureau has offices in The Hague, Ede and Eindhoven and employs a staff of over 120.

I wont deny I am apprehensive. The last months I was at DHL I felt at the top of my game. I was the most knowledgeable person in the department. People came to me with all kinds of things, and I had my finger in just about everything. After a time on a job, you start to “fit” and you are kinda synced up. The requirements of job are what you know and are familiar with, and the job knows what to expect of you.

When you start somewhere new, you need to find that balance all over again. It makes me feel very unsure of myself. I start to remind myself of all the things I don’t know and all the experience I don’t have. I am embarrassed about some very basic stuff I either never knew or have forgotten. There are so many areas of knowledge I feel I should  know far more of, more areas than are probably realistic to expect of myself.

You would think I would have taken the last 3 months to improve myself in this way, to learn some things to get some study in.
Alas, my complete and utter lack of willpower has won. Combined with feeling overall very depressed and lethargic, I have done not much more than hung around and spent money on things I cant afford. Such things at least made me somewhat happy.

I am also worried about the job I am going into, its a lot smaller scale than I was previously in, and I know I prefer larger environments. I took the job not so much because I wanted to have this job specifically, but because I knew I desperately needed to get back into work, to keep myself sane and occupied. This job was one of several that came along that was interesting. I was rejected from the others so this one remained as the default. I could have waited longer, waited for something with a large company to come along, or datacenter work, I dunno.

As always, its not about the money, which is about the same as what I made for DHL. On the other hand, I see the job, as I see every new job, as an opportunity to learn new stuff, to grow, if I can remain enthusiastic. And that is the problem with my current state of mind. I have no enthusiasm right now, but I know that I may well in a few months time, once I am settling into the job and the routine. So its hard to have good perspective right now. The only thing I know is that I know myself, and a few months into the job, I should be in the “zone” for a while. Its at that time I want to start studying again. 

The plan for now is to stay in the job for as long as it is interesting, which is always the plan of course, and to get myself out of the various debts that I have once and for all. For now, that means staying here, living with my mother and sister for a time longer. I don’t mind that so much right now, though the first irritations are starting to creep up on me. Might come a point where the scales tip and place my financial situation against my wish for freedom and independence. We shall see, I am not there yet.

Another cause of sadness to me is that I will be partially losing the friends I have made online in the wowcast bindpoint chat. I even went as far to create a new WoW character on the US realm they all play on, just to spend some time playing with them. The obvious problem is the time difference, which I was able to overcome the last months by simply staying up and sleeping in. That wont be as easy anymore, and I am afraid I will loose a lot of the contact with them. They have been a good emotional support for me, and have been a bit of much needed company and solace in these weeks following my breakup with Lia, whom I still miss terribly.

I know that is going to be an issue too, when I do move out of here. I know the freedom comes with a price, that of loneliness. I don’t look back on the years before Lia with a lot of joy, they where incredibly empty years for me. A can’t but think a lot of that was wasted, but I knew I would not have been able to do otherwise. For now, I am going to take one day at a time and see where it leads. I have reminded myself that this is basically a reset for me. I have no restrictions really, no responsibilities, nothing holding me down except for the money, which, realistically, should be sorted in 6 months. I am gonna look back again at that time, probably a very different person, again.

nosce te ipsum